Friday, November 20, 2009

blind sided

if any of you check this regularly (i dont know why) the last year has been pretty lame with nothing exciting or nothing at all. the last 5 weeks have been pretty much the hardest of my life. if you know me personally you know the story. if you dont then im sure if you keep reading you will get an idea.

i thought my life was pretty good, a 6 weeks ago, or 2 months ago. or 6 months ago. it seems i wasnt paying attention to the details and i had a sense something wasnt as it should have been. then life knocked me on my ass and the last 5 weeks i've been trying to digest and catch up to what has happened. most of the days i just sit and think what the fuck went wrong. how i could have changed it, how or why it happened and where the hell was i when the path went down the wrong road. i was too into my bubble i guess, watching stupid shows on tv and burying myself into a job im not too fond of right now. getting off track with racing and riding. totally abandoning the sport i've done my whole life. not even touching the bike for months at a time and when i decided to make changes in sept. it was way too late. the whole month of sept i rode a bit, i was so fat and unfit it disgusts me. it took like a month to feel normal again. then that brings me to swap season and the last post i wrote while i was in nj/pa/nyc. looking at that post just makes me sick, the pics i have and memories of what i once had and didnt know it makes me sick.

if you dont want to read more of this sob story just turn this blog off because im sure its going to keep coming for a few months.

i debated even writing this, but as i abandoned my bike, i did the same with this blog. i need an outlet to write and doing it on paper in private doesnt work for me. i'd rather lay it all out for anyone to see.

im pretty much misunderstood because im a recluse. i dont show much to many and this usually plays against me.

the last five weeks i moved out of my house, split with my gf, lost my cats, almost lost all will to live, lost interest in work, in eating, in pretty much everything. if it wasnt for some friends that helped me out over the last month i dont know what or where i would be.

so i must write to be creative, to outlet some thoughts, like riding, hammering the big ring up a steep climb until you pass out or throw up, moving energy into some positive outlet.

so i pretty much set this whole pain thing up myself, to force myself to face some deep dark caves i have been avoiding my whole life. pushing someone close to me away to the point of them making the moves to force my own growth. its pretty much the worst thing ever but i think back and i knew this was coming and i tried everything in my power to avoid it.

if i want something better i think i have to travel this long dark tunnel alone and its freaking me out like no other horror movie.

getting back to the basics.

on my own again, no one to take care of but myself and that alone is way harder than probably 10 kids.
getting back to some meaningful hours on the bike , with focus and determination that only a few others i know have, that matches me.

nurturing a passion that has died , dried up and blown away with nobody at fault but my own.

finding a balance, that has eluded me my whole life. not too much and not too little.

finally learning the biggest lesson of my life, it was a very expensive lesson and it cost more than money is worth.

hopefully learning to apply these to future events so i dont have to go through this again.

maybe next time i'll come up with something more light of heart and funny.
until then i need to write and get this out.
i dont usually go out to raves or clubs but if the best dj in the world is out at the salt lake i would think anyone would want to see at least an hour of it, even if it is at 2am

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Life's not always about the light-hearted, funny stuff. Do what you need to do and keep that head up!